🌠 The Child Who Remembers Herself

Perhaps it is the destiny of the first-born child to live their life in reverse, to be an adult while physically a child, then become the child while adulting. Through years of trying to keep up with an ever-changing, fast-paced world my deeply buried child dreamt continually of magic and wondrous realms of creative imaginings. Her adult body, however, has required endless hours for mental, emotional, and physical rest and reset, for having to become an adult too soon.

On the bright side, delightful memories of childhood summer afternoons have kept my spirit alive and well. Being with the daisies and telling them how my day was going, trekking the field out back like a stealthy feline, playing gently with garter snakes then returning them to their home. I imagined many treasures buried in those tall grasses that I would someday unearth. Our family cats were my confidants, and the trees my steadfast friends. Stars would lull me to sleep at night, while the sun and moon followed me everywhere like faithful pets. Nature became my true mother / father, my source of inspiration and reprieve.

What a harsh twist to return time and again to the human world of unpredictability, violence, and neglect, intermixed with moments of tender appreciation. Humans were strange creatures to me that I admired but could not trust.

On one minute, off the next, there for me, then gone. Lovely and supportive ones I cherished, like the lovely, blue-eyed, second grade teacher who let me sit at her side at lunchtime. There I felt safe. I told her she was my other “mom” and I loved her. She returned my sentiments with a tender smile. Years later a fellow classmate would inform me that our beloved teacher had committed suicide. Confounded. How was it the tender souls, so needed in a weary world, always leave too soon?

As a child my badge of honor was to be adept at following commands and wearing a veneer of self-control. At school the focus became pleasing my teachers, completing assignments on time, all the while stealing M&M candies from their coat closet when everyone went to recess. Taking what was not mine as rewards for life accomplishments gone unnoticed. Those colorful candies allowed me to taste the sweetness of life so I wouldn’t forget, because my child mind was replete with “what if” scenarios. Such a heavy little brain, forecasting into the future how I would handle imagined or actual situations well beyond my grasp or control. And the plethora of self-judgment scenarios if I did the tasks wrong. Proving my worthiness became routine in hopes I could exist without being harmed. False programs that many decades later I am slowly learning to dismantle.

As the eldest child, to assure love for me would be forthcoming, I adopted the role of caregiver. Easing the suffering of another seemed the mightiest and most rewarding call to action I could imagine. In helping them, I was helping myself, or so the programming told me. Being female was an additional piece, as the cultural indoctrination led us to believe we are the primary nurturers and caregivers. It is a lie, for I have witnessed time and again the most compassionate acts of care, attention, and nurturing towards other humans and animals from my son and husband. Men are very capable of being tender, as much as woman are capable of being the “breadwinner” of the household. Roles are much more pliable than ever before, which should give us all a sense of relief. At last, we can each feel into who we really are and how we wish to evolve ourselves in this world.

So here I sit, my inner child and present adult, pondering where to go from here. SO many dreams to fulfill, art to make, hugs to give, photos to share, cards to send, trails to hike, faery houses to build, gardens to nurture, and inspirational naps calling me to explore nether worlds. Creativity levels are bubbling to the surface like never before. I’ve purposefully limited my work hours as a “caregiver” so I may have time to focus on me. Less monetary income requires living a simpler lifestyle, but the exchange is an increased income in the form of time to breathe, contemplate, explore, and flow with the Great Spirit’s desire to express through this little vehicle.

There is a lovely dance now between the child who adulted too soon, and the adult who wishes to re-member the child. This is my new career path, full of inspiration. I hope it will inspire you as well. Give yourself a ginormous hug. You’re doing amazing! 🎉❤️

🎉❤️🎉❤️🎉❤️🎉❤️🎉❤️🎉❤️

Daisy and child image:
Regina Chanté

Stock images:
kansasmckay, pngmart, clipart-library, vecteezy, PNGtree, webstockreview